My mood today hasn't been as bad as expected, I had a couple of 5htp before I went to bed which seems to have done the trick, and will probably do the same again this evening, as the last thing I need on top of everything else right now is comedown of doooom!
Have had a really mundane day at work again :S I have had literally NONE of my own work to do at all. I spent an hour or so this morning helping Penny out by setting up and logging in some samples for HPLC, and thats it. Literally. So for 7 hours of the day I have been sat staring into space again, surfing the internet on and off, not so sure how closely they monitor your internet access and on top of that there really is nothing you can look at all day every day without completely losing your marbles.
I am just so frustrated with my life currently and I don't know what to do and who to turn too. I feel as if I have made so me really silly decisions as of late, and there is nothing I regret more than taking up this stupid placement. I wish I hadnt been offered this one then I could have taken up the nice one in Abingdon, halfway between oxford and didcot. I would only be 45 mins away from my friends in Bath, closer to Joe, and really close to Rachie, Rik, Cammy, Toni and Matt in Reading, Chris in maidenhead, and also close to London and not STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE. But that said, the grass is always greener on the other side... and everything you do do in life shapes the rest of it, so if I hadnt accepted this placement I may well have never met Joe and I wouldn't have this happiness in my life.
*sigh* I guess I am just fed up and wondering what if? and I also need to stop fucking moaning about it as it wont make any damned difference but this is my life right now and i just don't seem to be able to think about anything other than this :(
I am also really missing go out clubbing and dancing all night :( not really been out properly anywhere except slimes once since June :'( which doesnt seem all that long ago but May and June were so busy and so much fun and now meh.. nothingness. and I worry all the time that I have stopped Joe from going out and he will end up resenting me for it :(. I just get so frustrated with it. Its so hard for me and Joe to really go out anwyhere together cause of the distance, getting to see him is expensive but not a real problem, and I want it both ways :(. I want to be able to see him at home and just relax and lie around watching films but I so wish that we could go out together say once a month or something, travel there together from home and go back together and chill all day and all night the following day, and not worry about a 4 hour trip back :S As it stands it is really only practical to meet somewhere and go off home to our own places afterwards I guess :( and I hate coming back on my own after clubbing :( I dunno..meh... and I dont see an end or a nice solution to this one anytime soon :S
The more and more I write about this and my shitty life the more I start to cry :( maybe I am more emotional that I first thought... *sigh*.. I just don't ever see an end to this unhappiness and I don't know what to do to make things better, I don't know what I want and where I want to be in life. I need to stop thinking about things as much as I do but when I am stuck here for 8.5 hours a day staring into space with nothing to distract my mind, thats what happens I am afraid. The mind, my mind in particular, is a dangerous thing left to its own devices to tick over and over and over, yet there is nothing else for it to do :'(